What should I share today? Again, the debate is over whether I provide just a little bit more background or do I get right to the paperwork? I mean, I did start drafting the paperwork in January 2019, finally finishing it and getting it filed on March 26, 2019.
The problem is, if I jump right into the papers required and the process we followed as pro se litigants, you will again lose some of the context that become points for further litigation down the road. Context is important so that you can learn to not make the same mistakes. I mean, that is the point of this whole series in the first place – to learn the perils of pro se litigation.
But what has the most impact on your litigation journey are some of the small day-to-day decisions that you make that eventually get examined under a microscope by others.
I really think that you need the context so that you can decide for yourselves who is in the right, and who is not. I mean, this litigation is into its 5th year, (yes, its 5th year – that is not a typo) and does not look like it will be ending any time soon, unfortunately.
I guess I’ll just pick up where I left off yesterday and we can get into the paperwork that I filed tomorrow. That seems the best approach. I don’t know, you tell me. Do you like the background context? Or would you prefer just the legal information?
The time from January 1, 2019 to the end of February was, well, stressful, I guess would be the right word. It was clear, at least to me that the marriage was over. I had been working through this entire process physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually for more than six months. My focus was on the future and ensuring as much stability and consistency for the four children living under my roof. I had things to do (like hire a contractor to build my kitchen), places to be (like dance and gymnastics), and more things to do (like work, schoolwork, and programming).
He wrote letters claiming he didn’t understand what was wrong.
He thought our marriage was great.
Maybe he should just move out.
Yeah. That would be nice. Move out. Sooner rather than later, please. My life was in motion and I did not have time to wait for him to come to terms with his new reality.
But what did he do? He cried. He moped. He wrote more letters. And finally, he found an apartment. A two-bedroom apartment. And we have four kids, plus a fifth that visits on a scheduled basis. A mix of boys and girls. And he chose a two-bedroom apartment. I am stressing this because it becomes a serious bone of contention, as you will see.
Even though he had found an apartment, it wasn’t available until the end of February. We decided to wait and tell the children after two of them had birthdays. It was a big year for both of them. One of them was officially becoming a teenager, turning 13 at the end of January. The other was celebrating a golden birthday, turning 11 in February. I didn’t want their special days spoiled.
I should have known better.
The children were well aware of the tension in the house and wanted to know what was wrong with their dad and why was he crying all the time. What could I say? “Yeah, I know” became my all too common phrase.
And then, when we finally told the kids and his apartment was ready, he actually thought that he would “take the month” to move out.
Hell, no, you won’t.
I went through the house and divided up all of our possessions equally. I packed up half of the towels, half of the bedding, half of the pots and pans – including the cast iron skillets. I worked my way from room to room and had everything boxed up and ready to go.
I was done in about 3 hours; no way was I going to let this drag out for 30 days. The past 60 days since new year had been challenging enough. Not just for me, but for the children, too. Divorce was a totally new concept to them. It was a word that we never spoke throughout our marriage.
The biggest mistake I think that I made in those 14 years was to shield the children from everything their father did and had done. It made it very easy for them to blame me, the person whom they saw fail and make mistakes on a daily basis opposed to the one that I had always protected and covered up for.
Like blaming the cat the night their father drunkenly urinated all over a child’s bed, waking the child up. Or saying that he was visiting family in Milwaukee when he was actually bar hopping, visiting strip joints, and partying it up. Or when he didn’t come home the night before Thanksgiving because he was sitting in jail for driving under the influence and having drug paraphernalia.
I covered it all up, lying to my kids to protect them from the truth.
Lying to my kids so that they could have a good relationship with their father, something I never had.
The separation phase of the divorce had officially started. Next step – paperwork, paperwork, and more paperwork. In other words, the real work would begin.
As a side note, we weren’t the only couple separating that year. A neighbor and her husband divorced. And the new neighbors that we had celebrated, not-celebrated, the new year with, had also broken up. Why even mention this? Because this too becomes yet another bone of contention leading to even more false allegations and claims.
I guess today’s lesson is to really think about the decisions that you make on a daily basis. It’s those day-to-day decisions that, in hindsight, ultimately seem to cause the most problems in pro se litigation.
Meadows Cozy Corner 
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