I have written and rewritten, and written this post again and again.
So where should we start? I mean, how far back should I go? To the beginning of the relationship, the filing of the divorce? It’s hard to gauge the true starting point of the end of a relationship. It would be easier to start with the very first filed document, but then you really wouldn’t have any context.
There are so many perspectives.
One is that I am allowed to talk about what someone did to me and how it hurt me and that it does not matter how they feel about me talking about it, because if they want people to think better of them, they should have been better. Not my words, but those of Aliza Grace.
And then there is the perspective that you don’t always have to tell your story, that time will.
But there is also the idea that through sharing, we can find common ground, inspiration, hope, meaning, and, ultimately, action. This is the reason I started my blog in the first place.
Of course, there is the perspective that if you don’t tell your story, someone else will. And someone has repeatedly and ad nauseum been trying to tell my story, but with lies, half-truths, and innuendos. Literally hundreds of false allegations. There are court records to prove it.
I think the most important thing, though, is that everyone has parts of their story that are left untold. You should never judge someone as if you know their entire life story, because the truth is, no one ever really knows another’s whole story. Not even one’s spouse or best friend.
So, I have decided to state the bare facts, only because I have been consistently and constantly accused of having an affair – which I did not! It is not relevant, per se, to the pro se litigation, other than it was repeatedly filed in various correspondence and court documents. Even if I had cheated – which, I again, totally deny – our states does not care. Our state is a “no fault” state and so the reason for the divorce is pretty much always listed as “irreconcilable differences.”
By June 2018 I came to the realization that I was done. I was done being the responsible party all the time. I was done living in a house without a functioning kitchen. I was done being tied to a man that preferred government assistance over building something sustainable. I was done with the illegal drugs and excess alcohol. At some point in the past 14 years I had become sort of numb to it all. Do you know what I mean?
I had routines and schedules and systems in place. I worked from home for several clients and I was going to school full-time to earn my bachelor’s degree. Better late then never, as they say. I was in the middle of getting my license as a foster parent able to take in children from anywhere within Wisconsin. And I was raising three children with occasional visits with my step-daughter. The rest of the children had already left the nest, so to speak. I had a garden, my books, and my quilting. From the outside looking in, I suppose you could say we looked like a typical American family working our way up.
We weren’t. If anything, it felt like we were moving the wrong direction. I wanted more. I wanted a better life. And every time I tried to express this, I was told that my “standards were too high.” I guess I just eventually gave up and tuned out.
Until I woke up. I recognized that we have the choice to live a life that we design and that we want. But I wasn’t living that life! I had so many dreams of things I wanted to do, to try, to explore. There were things I wanted to do with my children and other things I wanted to do for myself. Instead, I was carrying a heavy weight of sole responsibility constantly dragging me down. So that sunny day in June, I gave him a choice.
I guess you could say it was an ultimatum.
I told him it was time for him to accept the responsibilities of being a husband, a father, and a provider for our family. I was no longer going to be the one to do it all. I basically let him have it – 14 years of frustration. Well, more like 10 years. No, to be fair, maybe it was closer to 8 years. It doesn’t matter. I was at my limit and he needed to step up and share the burdens.
Otherwise, I was filing for a divorce. I mean, if I was going to have to continue to do everything myself, then I might as well be by myself.
Some say I have the patience of a saint. Others think I was just crazy. My family was shocked because in 14 years, they had never heard me say one negative thing about my husband. Ever. And my friends all thought it was about time that I finally woke up and smelled the burning coffee that was my marriage. Believe it or not, I actually waited until July to see if he would do anything different.
He didn’t.
So I did. I began applying for a job outside of the home and I found one. I started at the end of August. In addition to working 40 hours a week outside of the home, I was also working 30 hours a week or more for my own clients and doing school work full-time. Plus running my two youngest daughters to dance and gymnastics. And my son to softball. Plus all three went to chess. Oh yeah, I also became a licensed foster parent and accepted my first…teenager. To say that I had my hands full is an understatement. I was always coming and going.
But I was also preparing.
When a couple jointly own a business, whether you choose to represent yourself or not, there are some things that must be figured out. In our case, we had a correlational business relationship with the common ground being that it involved communication. For him it was telecommunication. For me, it was programming. So separating my share of the business and the finances were easy and we did not need any legal counsel’s advice.
I began transitioning my clients and setting up my business with its own FEIN number, bank account, and invoices. I also secured a good contract doing programming for an app developer. I separated out the personal bank accounts and froze the joint credit cards. By the end of December, I was financially stable and ready to take the next step.
It is important to consider your financial capabilities, especially if there are major assets and children to consider. We had a mortgage and two vehicle loans in addition to several joint credit cards. I did everything I needed to do to ensure that I could continue to make payments on everything jointly owned.
I don’t know if he thought I was bluffing back in June or if he just didn’t believe me. Or maybe he thought I would “forgive and forget,” something I admit I often did. I mean, I would get mad and tell him how I was feeling and then a few minutes later, be like, are you hungry?
Do all women do that? Or is it really just me? I’ve always kind of wondered.
All I know is that he continued on doing the same things. And not doing anything I had asked him – like provide for his family. I thought I had been quite clear in June, but either way he didn’t get or accept the message.
But it all came to a sudden understanding, at least on his part, on New Year’s Eve.
We had invited the neighbors over to celebrate the beginning of a new year. We had a few drinks, socialized, and spent time with the kids, playing board games and eating junk food. I guess you could say we were following our own little tradition for embracing the new year, with the addition of the new neighbors. They had moved in across the street in September or October. Sometime that fall. It matters, but not right now. I’ll get to that later.
Anyway, the countdown began…10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…and he came by me and leaned in to give me a kiss! I pulled away and asked him what he thought he was doing? We were getting divorced and I had no interest in celebrating the new year that way. He stormed off and proceeded to get increasingly drunk.
The neighbors left.
It was awkward.
I was done.
Period.
So that is my side of the story. What I was thinking and feeling those last six months. The dissolution of any marriage is hard, especially when you have been together for 14 years, like we were. The year 2019 was a year that was going to bring about a lot of change – some expected and some not expected.
Meadows Cozy Corner 
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